The Only Downside to Being a Lesbian

NO THEY AREN'T

If you had stumbled into my apartment this morning you would have found two lesbians lying in bed rolling back and forth clutching their stomachs and groaning, moaning and ocassionally gritting their teeth. Neither of us slept a wink last night and the advil only worked a little for me and not at all for her. We haven't started our period on the same day since exactly three years ago, but now I'm remembering why it sucks so much.

Two nights ago we had a screaming, crying fight over pasta. Pasta. No PMS here. Nope. Then yesterday the pain began. The worst part is that we're lying there looking at each other going "I am so sorry I can't make you feel better. I am so sorry I can't help you!".

She: "I'll do the dishes when I get up."

Me: "No, you have to write an entire presentation to do tonight...ugh...where's the advil?"

She: "Here, it didn't fucking work for me. Maybe it'll work for you. Take a bunch. But I'll do the dishes, you're in pain."

Me: "No you're in pain! I don't have endometriosis, it's not nearly as bad for me, and pain killers work for me. I'll do the fucking dishes!"

She: "Ughhh...."

Me: "I'll go get your coffee. What size?"

She: "You don't need to get my, ughhhhhhhhh, coffee...I'll get it..."

Me: "You...goddamn it, why does my lower back hurt more than my cramps?...I'll get the coffee you poor thing. You have...to...do...the project...."

Then she tries to lie on my shoulder for a moment before getting up and it's just a lot of "Oh! My boob! Move your elbow!" and "Shit shit shit, put your leg ON THE OTHER SIDE of my knee" and "don't touch my tummy! You're touching my tummy!"

Yeah. So, besides the occassional hate crime in the parking lot of Market Basket, that's the only downside to being a lesbian. Gay men are so lucky. Although, I suppose when they get older they have to fight for the bathroom a few times a night. But then again, two men can theoretically pee into a toilet at the same time. So, in the end, gay men have it far too easy.

Anyone who ever said lesbians are hot has not been around two women with their period at the same time. It is SO not hot. It's actually kind of sad. I am hoping that this will not happen for three more years.

And that is far more than you ever wanted to know about me and mine. Thank you and good night.